Sitting in Judgement

My sister-in-law wrote a really great blog about how we judge other moms. She's totally right. We tend to think that our way of parenting is the best and when we encounter a different style of parenting, we are incredulous -- if not downright snotty about it.

I'll admit it. I've got pretty strong ideas. For example, I'm a Happiest Baby on the Block mom. Swear by it. And if other tactics work for other parents, that's fine. But they don't work for me. I believe in holding your child as much as possible, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and limiting screen-time. I vaccinate my kids.

I've changed a lot with having a second child too. And I'll tell anyone who asks that I think it takes a second child to put the first child in perspective.

For example, when Elliott was 4.5 months old, you wouldn't find me very far from him at any time. The first night away was after he was a year old and even though I had a good time, I felt horrifically guilty that he was going to wake up that night and I wouldn't be there to feed him. I worried about permanent scarring on his fragile personality.

But next week Matt and I are leaving for Vegas for three nights.

I'm leaving my 2 and a half year-old and my 4 month old baby behind to take a vacation with my husband and our friends. We're playing in a poker tournament, seeing The Beatles Love show at The Mirage, betting on the Giants and watching the game at The Emeril Lagasse Stadium at the Palazzo, lounging poolside, and enjoying roughly 72 hours of kid free time. And, yes, after Matt surprised me with the trip back in May, I told him I needed a week to process if I'd be up for leaving the baby -- who's still breastfeeding and sleeps cuddled up in the crook of my arm every single night.

My answer: Yes. I'm going. And I'm going to take a few minutes of every day to miss my kids and then I'm going to enjoy my time away from them. (And I'll be pumping up and down the strip...which, as a friend said to me, "Isn't the worst thing to happen in a Vegas bathroom.")

However, our decision to leave our infant behind (no one seems overly concerned about Elliott, even though he is the more cognizant child and knows he is staying with his grandmas/grandpa and so thinks that we are going on a "honeymoon" per the Berenstain Bears book where brother and sister bear stay with their grandparents because Mama and Papa go on a second honeymoon) has been met with a variety of responses.

Most people are supportive. And only a small handful have said things that could be taken as discouraging. But I know that once the Facebook posts start popping up and the world realizes that Matt and I are off on vacation without the kiddos, those that think we're crazy and clearly not very loving parents since we so callously abandon our babies, probably won't say the disparaging remarks to our face. No, no. They'll turn to a spouse or a friend and say, "They left the boys? How can she do that?" And I'll never really know who sits in judgement of that decision.

That's the fun thing about social networking -- everyone will get a superficial glimpse into my life. Enough of a window to know what I'm doing and where I am; but never really close enough to understand motives or the heart behind the matter. It's the perfect place to breed constant evaluations of people's actions. AND we allow family members, friends from elementary school, colleagues, and onetime friends from summer camp to comment too. Not real comments. No one is going to say on my pictures next week: "You're a bad mom! Isaac misses you!"or "Right on! Free yourself from those littles!! I admire you!" They'll say my hair looks cute and my mojito looks yummy. Which, in advance: Yes and Yes!

So, for everyone who is tempted to make a decision one way or the other about my choice to leave a young baby behind so I can have FUN...I feel compelled to say:

It is a daily mental exercise to analyze my role as mom. I became a mom in my late 20s...if I live a normal lifespan then I will have spent 62.5% of my life on this earth as someone's mom. Right now, I'm in the trenches -- it's dirty, it's messy, it's loud. It involves a lot of calming tones and teaching how to share. I'm still giving up hours of sleep to deal with crying, diapers. Two nights ago Elliott was jumping on the bed and just leaned over and vomited on my head. No joke.

Everything about my day revolves around these two kids. And I take my job as their mother very seriously. Kids are not an accessory -- when I decided to have kids, I accepted the responsibility of parenting them too. I love them more than anything on this entire earth -- my heart is so full from the privilege of having them in my life. And I want nothing more than to raise them to be awesome humans. Kind, courteous, generous. So, it's a serious job.

But it is not my identity.

Yeah. I said it.

I own it.

These are not just my kids. Not just my sons. They are real people. I remember thinking as a kid and as a teenager that my parents didn't ever really see me as my own person -- that at the end of the day, I was just their little girl. I wanted them to hear me. This is going to be a real challenge for me...to remember as these boys grow that inside that brain are thoughts I can't see, struggles they won't tell me, and ideas and independence that they will need room to explore. Every so often, I try to pull back and ask myself, "How does Elliott see me right now? If this is a memory he will retain forever, what kind of mom is he seeing?" I don't want to be so self-absorbed in my role as mom, that I forget we are all real people.

I am going to be a parent forever. But my years of mothering my kids are relatively short. So, during these years where it seems like I am mom and only mom...I need to pull back and say, no, I'm still Shelbi. What kind of wife do I need to be? What kind of friend? What am I doing for myself because I deserve that? Every stage of life has its own crises, but my current crisis is this: How do I maintain my identity while living the day-to-day intensity of raising a toddler and a baby?

The answer is this: I take time away from them. To decompress. To refresh. To have a chance to miss them.

I will miss them. Terribly. I will walk through a casino and feel like something is missing -- I'll panic a few times. I'll call my mom and my mother-in-law more than I should.

But I've dealt with the guilt and I'm the one thing I am NOT going to do is feel guilty. And even if others want to judge my decision and talk about how they couldn't make that decision for themselves, that's okay. I don't love my kids any less because I can spend time away from them; I'm not a bad parent because I'm having highly qualified people take over the child-care for a few days.

Shelbi needs a break from "mom" and there's nothing wrong with that.

My adorable boys. Luckiest mom in the world to have them in my life and be their mom. 

Anne of Green Gables Appreciation Party

"The girls sat down by the roots and did full justice to Anne’s dainties, 

even the unpoetical sandwiches being greatly appreciated

 by hearty, unspoiled appetites sharpened by all the fresh air and exercise they had enjoyed."

It started two months ago during a book club -- that moment where a seedling of a good idea takes shape. After a long discussion about our love affair with all things Anne (with an 'e') Shirley of Green Gables, we decided that an Anne of Green Gables party was in order.

We would eat food related to the book, drink raspberry cordial, and watch the 1985 miniseries of our childhood. Then I discovered that this existed and I was beside myself with excitement. The Anne of Green Gables Appreciation Party was going to happen and we all know I love myself a good theme party.


Of course, had I been going all out, I probably would have even used some iconic image and sent a delightful invitation to tea. This picture of Anne and Diana seems particularly appropriate -- seeming as how our entire party was going to ride on my success in making raspberry cordial. (Although, in hindsight, with the ferocity of Diana's drunkenness after a tumbler of Marilla's Currant Wine, I am feeling like we should have tried that recipe instead!)

Our menu was perfect for an afternoon tea:

Egg-salad and chicken-salad sandwiches
Cranberry-Orange Scones
Shortbread Cookies
Mint and chocolate chip cookies
Crackers with Orange marmalade and Toni's homemade Strawberry jam
Croissants
Tea
Wine

In the Anne of Green Gables cookbook, the author -- granddaughter of L.M. Montgomery -- gives a recipe for "poetical egg salad sandwiches", among other traditional recipes found on Prince Edward Island during Anne's time. (It's helpful that you can find most of the recipes online instead of shelling out nearly $40 for a book since it is out of print.)

Here is the recipe for the cordial:

Ingredients

2 (300 g) packages frozen raspberries

1 1/4 cups sugar

6 cups boiling water

3 lemons

Directions:

Put the unthawed raspberries into a saucepan and add sugar.

Cook on medium, stirring occasionally until all the sugar has dissolved.

Using a potato masher, mash the raspberries and syrup thoroughly.

Pour the mixture through a strainer, extract all the juice.

Squeeze two of the lemons and strain the juice, add it to the raspberry juice.

Add the boiling water to the raspberry juice.

Allow the cordial to cool, then chill it in the refrigerator.

Here is the final product:

It was really yummy and very, very sweet. The girls over at my house agreed that adding champagne or -- ahem -- some vodka would spice it up pretty nicely too. I had none of those things, so we went with the next best thing: Diet 7-up. 

After snacking and talking, we settled into our miniseries watching and swooned over Gilbert Blythe and adored our Anne girl. This story, published over one hundred years ago, is timeless and wonderful. There is something so incredible about this precocious, impetuous, delightful orphan -- who finds her way into trouble no matter what. I'm sure I can attempt to impart upon my sons the beauty of Anne of Green Gables. Just like I will try to read them all the Little House of the Prairie books too. But something tells me that my sons (the oldest of whom just bit through his tongue for the second time in 9 months...like 10 seconds ago...) are probably gonna be more interested in swashbuckling pirates and space adventures.

Good thing I can do theme parties for those things too. 

Cookies of Catan

Sorry I've been MIA! It's been a crazy last few months and since I haven't been inspired to do many cool things, I've felt like my blogging wouldn't be inspired either. But I'm gonna try to be better. Pinky swear.

So...Settlers of Catan is kinda huge in our lives. We love games -- collect board games -- and a few years ago we listened to our friends and family who said he HAD to play Catan. And we haven't looked back.

I've wanted to do some sort of Catan themed dessert for a while now. Matt and I just traveled to Idaho for a mini family reunion and since the cousins there are also huge Catan fans, we seized this opportunity to made this dessert a reality. At first I wanted to make a cake. Then I thought cupcakes.

It evolved to cookies.

Sugar cookies, using the game pieces as a template -- candy and cookies and frosting to recreate the whole game board.

I used Matt's aunt's sugar cookie recipe. You can find it here! (These may look really cool, but they tasted EVEN better.) Matt's cousin Kathryn helped out a ton with these -- she deserves a lot of kudos for coming up with some of the details (like the river that runs through the Ore cards) and she let me take over kitchen while she was trying to prepare a meal for eight people. So, special superhero status for that.

Here is a photo spread of the evolution of our Settlers of Catan cookies.

I had a poor showing at the actual Settlers tournament. But we don't have to talk about that...