Sitting in Judgement

My sister-in-law wrote a really great blog about how we judge other moms. She's totally right. We tend to think that our way of parenting is the best and when we encounter a different style of parenting, we are incredulous -- if not downright snotty about it.

I'll admit it. I've got pretty strong ideas. For example, I'm a Happiest Baby on the Block mom. Swear by it. And if other tactics work for other parents, that's fine. But they don't work for me. I believe in holding your child as much as possible, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and limiting screen-time. I vaccinate my kids.

I've changed a lot with having a second child too. And I'll tell anyone who asks that I think it takes a second child to put the first child in perspective.

For example, when Elliott was 4.5 months old, you wouldn't find me very far from him at any time. The first night away was after he was a year old and even though I had a good time, I felt horrifically guilty that he was going to wake up that night and I wouldn't be there to feed him. I worried about permanent scarring on his fragile personality.

But next week Matt and I are leaving for Vegas for three nights.

I'm leaving my 2 and a half year-old and my 4 month old baby behind to take a vacation with my husband and our friends. We're playing in a poker tournament, seeing The Beatles Love show at The Mirage, betting on the Giants and watching the game at The Emeril Lagasse Stadium at the Palazzo, lounging poolside, and enjoying roughly 72 hours of kid free time. And, yes, after Matt surprised me with the trip back in May, I told him I needed a week to process if I'd be up for leaving the baby -- who's still breastfeeding and sleeps cuddled up in the crook of my arm every single night.

My answer: Yes. I'm going. And I'm going to take a few minutes of every day to miss my kids and then I'm going to enjoy my time away from them. (And I'll be pumping up and down the strip...which, as a friend said to me, "Isn't the worst thing to happen in a Vegas bathroom.")

However, our decision to leave our infant behind (no one seems overly concerned about Elliott, even though he is the more cognizant child and knows he is staying with his grandmas/grandpa and so thinks that we are going on a "honeymoon" per the Berenstain Bears book where brother and sister bear stay with their grandparents because Mama and Papa go on a second honeymoon) has been met with a variety of responses.

Most people are supportive. And only a small handful have said things that could be taken as discouraging. But I know that once the Facebook posts start popping up and the world realizes that Matt and I are off on vacation without the kiddos, those that think we're crazy and clearly not very loving parents since we so callously abandon our babies, probably won't say the disparaging remarks to our face. No, no. They'll turn to a spouse or a friend and say, "They left the boys? How can she do that?" And I'll never really know who sits in judgement of that decision.

That's the fun thing about social networking -- everyone will get a superficial glimpse into my life. Enough of a window to know what I'm doing and where I am; but never really close enough to understand motives or the heart behind the matter. It's the perfect place to breed constant evaluations of people's actions. AND we allow family members, friends from elementary school, colleagues, and onetime friends from summer camp to comment too. Not real comments. No one is going to say on my pictures next week: "You're a bad mom! Isaac misses you!"or "Right on! Free yourself from those littles!! I admire you!" They'll say my hair looks cute and my mojito looks yummy. Which, in advance: Yes and Yes!

So, for everyone who is tempted to make a decision one way or the other about my choice to leave a young baby behind so I can have FUN...I feel compelled to say:

It is a daily mental exercise to analyze my role as mom. I became a mom in my late 20s...if I live a normal lifespan then I will have spent 62.5% of my life on this earth as someone's mom. Right now, I'm in the trenches -- it's dirty, it's messy, it's loud. It involves a lot of calming tones and teaching how to share. I'm still giving up hours of sleep to deal with crying, diapers. Two nights ago Elliott was jumping on the bed and just leaned over and vomited on my head. No joke.

Everything about my day revolves around these two kids. And I take my job as their mother very seriously. Kids are not an accessory -- when I decided to have kids, I accepted the responsibility of parenting them too. I love them more than anything on this entire earth -- my heart is so full from the privilege of having them in my life. And I want nothing more than to raise them to be awesome humans. Kind, courteous, generous. So, it's a serious job.

But it is not my identity.

Yeah. I said it.

I own it.

These are not just my kids. Not just my sons. They are real people. I remember thinking as a kid and as a teenager that my parents didn't ever really see me as my own person -- that at the end of the day, I was just their little girl. I wanted them to hear me. This is going to be a real challenge for me...to remember as these boys grow that inside that brain are thoughts I can't see, struggles they won't tell me, and ideas and independence that they will need room to explore. Every so often, I try to pull back and ask myself, "How does Elliott see me right now? If this is a memory he will retain forever, what kind of mom is he seeing?" I don't want to be so self-absorbed in my role as mom, that I forget we are all real people.

I am going to be a parent forever. But my years of mothering my kids are relatively short. So, during these years where it seems like I am mom and only mom...I need to pull back and say, no, I'm still Shelbi. What kind of wife do I need to be? What kind of friend? What am I doing for myself because I deserve that? Every stage of life has its own crises, but my current crisis is this: How do I maintain my identity while living the day-to-day intensity of raising a toddler and a baby?

The answer is this: I take time away from them. To decompress. To refresh. To have a chance to miss them.

I will miss them. Terribly. I will walk through a casino and feel like something is missing -- I'll panic a few times. I'll call my mom and my mother-in-law more than I should.

But I've dealt with the guilt and I'm the one thing I am NOT going to do is feel guilty. And even if others want to judge my decision and talk about how they couldn't make that decision for themselves, that's okay. I don't love my kids any less because I can spend time away from them; I'm not a bad parent because I'm having highly qualified people take over the child-care for a few days.

Shelbi needs a break from "mom" and there's nothing wrong with that.

My adorable boys. Luckiest mom in the world to have them in my life and be their mom.